My Return to the Symphony

Between Motherhood, work and problems at home it's easy to put our love of music last.

Here's my story of how I returned to my beloved symphonic career and became a healthier, happier person for it.

[Photo, December, 2012] With a mix of sadness and joy in my eyes, here I am receiving music for our annual New Years Vienna-themed concert the following month. 

Content Warning: Heavy relationship topics, divorce

Hindsight is 20/20

In reviewing my old article archives on the updated Fiddleheads site, I came across one that caused me to reflect on how far I have come in my music and personal life. As my article entitled "The Symphonic Apprentice" outlines, I returned to my beloved Kamloops Symphony only once after having my first baby and this was in order to give my teenaged student an opportunity to play the classics with a group, as opposed to his usual (I'm not making this up) fiddle tunes while skateboarding. He had fun with it and his suave experience seemed to impress the girls at school.

For me, it was an experience I should have maintained every month, an experience I should not have missed as a result of having a chid. It was only made possible because of the generosity of my violin students and their parents looking after my 16-month-old daughter for the entire weekend in place of her father. I only remember this because the 2-hour slots with each person taking a babysitting shift are still in my digital calendar, otherwise the event was a total blur, likely blocked out from stress.

I remember two years earlier when I first told the conductor I was pregnant. I laugh to recall his blunt reaction, "not another one." It was a bumper decade for players to go on maternity leave apparently. They lost their principal clarinettist a few months later to maternity leave and I can only guess her temporary leave was met with a similar response.

I also recall that I was sincerely convinced I would come back after the baby was born, not knowing I would only return once with my student a year and a half later and then proceed to miss the next 9, yes nine, seasons.

It was a continuation of family dynamics and my uneasy feeling leaving one and, after 2008, two children that kept me from driving out and playing with the symphony for nearly a decade.

In reposting the 2002 "symphonic apprentice" article today and searching for dates, I found an email written by an adult student and friend six months after the experience:

Date: August 8, 2002

Subject: Hang In There Baby!

I really mean what the subject line says. I'm so sorry to see and hear you going through a lot of the same things I have earlier in my marriage. The whole single parent feeling, being overwhelmed, etc. - I've been there! Too bad I'm working so much or I would come over with my vehicle to get you out of the house for a bit.

Hang in there with your career though and don't let [name redacted] talk you into dropping everything just to clean house, etc. Women need other things in their lives besides just kids and housework - not that they aren't important it's just they are not all there is for us.

You are very gifted at what you do - don't drop it!

Your Friend in Mothering and Music,

Sharon

Reading that email brought back a flood of memories, and I found myself being both sad that I had to put other things before the symphony playing and proud that I am doing it again now.

Those years were painfully difficult because I didn't take Sharon's advice. I'm loyal to a fault and put other people first.

In addition to holding the family together, I taught a full compliment of violin and fiddle students, ran my violin shop, and played and hosted frequent solo concerts with colleagues from out of town.

I also founded a non-profit violin society, hosted events and workshops, and assisted a local student orchestra as a professional member and arranger. All the while juggling child care (I had a second baby in 2008), and often taking my kids with me pretty much everywhere with me to make it work for lack of support otherwise.

In hindsight I realize I was trying to replace love in my life where it was otherwise missing. And it was absolutely draining me. Something had to change.

[Photo, Fall 2011] My first concert back with the symphony. We performed Beethoven's Symphony 2 in D. I personally dedicated the experience to the memory of my mother, Victoria Jeffries.

Death Inspired Me to Live

My return to playing several years back coincided with my mother's untimely death in 2011. There's nothing like losing someone dear to truly embrace the concept that life is short.

Weeks after her death, I returned to playing with the Kamloops Symphony, which had since become a professional orchestra with more than half of the professional musicians coming up from Vancouver and other larger centers. The dynamic was drastically different and the pressure was on!

My first concert back in the group featured Beethoven's Symphony No. 2. It was a talisman for my heart and soul. It also showed me that even though I had not played with the symphony regularly in 11 years since my maternity leave, I was there, doing it and trying not to worry about my kids back at home or the reception I would receive from my partner upon my return. He disliked attending my concerts and thought I didn't have what it took to play and keep up with a professional group.

He couldn't be more wrong about this and many other things.

I played a few more concerts but wasn't yet full time owing to my lower ranking on the players' list. Few things in life at that time made me as happy as receiving a large manilla folder full of music in the mail, which was my only indication I was being asked to play in that month's concert.

Without getting into detail, I am sure anyone reading this could perceive that times were toxic on the home front but I am a positive person who doesn't give up easily on the people I love, no matter what they are experiencing. The photo at the top of this post says it all. It was only a month after the photo was taken that I watched a partner fall into an emotionally challenging place and had to pull out of playing yet again when he was briefly committed to a psych ward.

Despite the struggles domestically, my shop was totally rocking it, my students were loving their lessons, my kids were healthy and amazing, and I was getting emotionally more resilient and confident every day.

Playing with the symphony, though physically and mentally exhausting with all the plans I had to put in place to balance it with my home and usual work life, gave me emotional strength. I quickly made a new group of friends who respected me who I was and valued my contribution to the group musicially and socially.

But the happier and more successful I became, the more challenging life at home became. Some people are miserable no matter what and don't want those around them to thrive. Sadly, a few times I had to miss concerts or literally had no practice time before concert weekend. (I am embarassed to admit I did a poor job of preparing in that first while, but at least I got exceptionally good at sight-reading, ha!)

[Photo] This isn't me, but it's how I imagined the warmth and richness of the music all around me.

Scheherazade

In the fall of 2013 I became a single mother, with a concert occurring that same week to keep me focused and soothe my heart. I still remember how incredible it was to have had my world flip up-side-down on so many levels, but there I was on the week of the early death of a relationship, sitting on stage with my friends playing one of my favourite pieces of all time: Scheherazade.

Forget sappy breakup songs, Rimsky Korsakov knows how to help a gal focus on what really matters and to prove her worth to herself.

That fall I began playing all the concerts of the season as a regular member of the Kamloops Symphony. I spent my savings on upgrading my violin and bow and felt my skills improving immensely. Every month I took a large manilla folder full of music home with me after the preceding concert. I was asked to play with another Kamloops orchestra as the Principal Second violinist in the meantime.

The juggling act with time away from my kids was actually EASIER doing it on my own than it was with an unsupportive partner because I was finally free to explore my music, and I was in my element. My kids were happy and proud to see me living my dream and happier for having a mother enjoying her music. There were a couple times where, owing to demanding court preparation, I couldn't committ to every concert, but the group and my friends were always there waiting for me the following show.

I had found my place and my people.

[Photo, March 2015] I started a tradition for my young, tiger-obsessed son where each of us kept one of his tiger stuffies with us when we were apart and I texted photos back to him of the fun things his tiger was experiencing during our absence. Not an ounce of sadness is visible in my eyes here!

A New Life

After heavy legal proceedings regarding my right to relocate with the kids, I moved us and this business to Kamloops in the fall of 2015 in order to further my orchestral career. It was a change I had wanted make for several years personally and was also a breath of fresh air for my growing business. I had incredible of support from colleagues and business professionals and even wrote an extensive business relocation plan in preparation.

My kids also appreciated the change, enrolling in new activities in our new city. They enjoy the benefits of living in a larger city with more more amenities and made friends quickly. In fact my daughter became high-school friends with the son of the clarinettist I mentioned in the article about my earlier return to the symphony. The teens are playing video games downstairs as I type this.

In 2016, as a result of my efforts, I was promoted to Concertmaster with the Kamloops Brandenburg Orchestra, and in 2017 I was asked to play with the Thompson Valley Orchestra as their Concertmaster. The long-standing conductor retired from the Kamloops Symphony in 2017, after 28 years as the Artistic Director. The current Artistic Director and a committee of professional peers heard me in a successful audition in 2017 for an advancement with the Symphony. That was a major milestone for me, proving that a self-taught symphony violinist who had to give up her career for a family could come back like a phoenix, rising from the ashes.

At home things were just as terrific. I remarried in 2017 to a kind and supportive man who attends every single concert I play. Thanks to the positive example of my husband, my kids (preteen and teen) are far more supportive of my career and attend some concerts.

I hosted frequent events and parties in my home for my fellow musicians and have made many wonderful friends in our shared profession. In Fall 2018 I passed a formal audition in front of a panel made up of the Conductor, Concertmaster, Principal Viola and new Personnel Manager for professional advancement within the group!

I am very fortunate to have returned to symphonic music after such a painfully long and unnecessary absence. Not all musicians are so lucky.

Some have no support at home. Some "lose their chops" and cannot maintain their level of musicianship, let alone rise to the higher expectations of an orchestra going pro. Some simply give up on the dream because the dream is too hard to maintain with everything else weighing it down. Some never had the chance in the first place.

But I got it back and it changed my life forever.

In Closing

Do me and all musiciains a favour: Next time you see a symphony concert, reflect on how every person on that stage has a story.

Every person there has made sacrifices and maintains the strength to keep music in their lives. And each and every one of them starts the cycle every month with a large manilla envelope full of music.

That's the magic of being a musician straight to the core.

Thank you for hearing my story.